I went to Rome. I came back a new person.
Last week we (Latin students) flew to Rome. The weather was amazing, the hotel was a bit creepy, the people were, well, Italian (no offence), and the buildings were gorgeous. Keep in mind that if you don't like old buildings this is probably not the most exciting city for you, but for me, who gets excited over every little brick in the city, it was great. Now I'm exaggerating a bit but I do love the feeling of being in a place with so much history (which I actually know a bit of).
In the upcoming days I'll post some pictures and share some stories, I hope you like them, and I hope you're not bored by this personal post!
Love

You

Literally every time I started to accept that we no longer would flirt, then no longer would be friends, then no longer would talk, you talk to me again. How do you expect me to let you go, because isn't it obvious to you that you mean a lot more to me than I do to you? I just have this huge weakness for you and every time we talk I like you so much, and when we don't talk I think about you anyway, every day.

Belgium

We ended up in this (so we thought) deserted little village with no more than 5 shops, which all sold tobacco and if we were lucky some soda. the next day was saturday and this place turned out to be crowded with people. tobacco tourism is apparently still a thing and as we were on the border of belgium and france, it certainly explained a lot.

the truth is that we were and are never climbing the same mountains, our struggles aren't the same. i get mad thinking about how infuriating this is because this should be so easy so why doesn't it work, you and me? and i thought you were different which is always the mistake. i wish i never met you but i don't want to forget you.

Barcelona

atoms for peace was such a brilliant concert i don't even have words for it. thom yorke is literally my hero what a great man. flea was great too, actually the whole band of course.

this is a note to myself: no. expectations. you get disappointed every time even though you don't even know what you really want. don't cry over things that never happened because they will probably never happen. just enjoy and have a good time.

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perfection is a mythe

but i dream about it anyway. we woke up with the smell of freshly brewed coffee, lighted our cigarettes and went to the balcony. even though we had planned to go out we went right back to bed, where your fingertips followed my shoulders and arms. i had the urge to hug you so hard i'd hurt you, we layed there for hours listening to the radio making fun of bad songs and we danced to the good ones. we went out to get food and sometimes you kissed me on the head. i can only smile when i remember us.

so it's been a while but not much has changed, so many things could have happened but they didn't. so i assume they weren't supposed to happen or are yet to come. i am looking forward to the summer holidays so much. i have some great things planned, and probably going to plan some more. i am most looking forward to the atoms for peace concert which will be amaaaaazing because i'll see thom yorke in person for the first time and i love love love him.
i am so happy when the sun comes out and also i joined the gym because i have decided to become fit and toned so we'll see. hope you have a lovely day/week!

It is weird how after a period of fear you can so easily fall back in your old habits, as if nothing happened. as if you didn't almost die and after almost accepting that this might be it, you could have died. it reminds me of this quote 'almost dying changes nothing, dying changes everything'. i had expected our lives to be so different but in reality they are not, and to be honest i don't mind it that much.

we spend four days wandering the streets of london and running trough the tunnels of the underground and laughing about stupid things we did. the weather was wonderful and we took loads of pictures. coming back didn't feel like coming home, i want london to be my home. you crossed my mind sometimes and after we came back i told you i wanted to go and live there. you told me you'd go with me.

'i can't make art when i'm happy, i have to be confused or sad but not content' she said but she was content and then again, sad about being content because she wanted to paint.

'i keep writing sad songs' he said 'but i'm not sad?' and he played an old song, which was a happy one.

the warmth of your skin
against my cold hands
breakable and fragile
yet you can't crush them
it's in your eyes

a deep breath and you let go
running away from your fears
it will bring you nowhere
but in your very eyes
hope

rain

 'if people were rain, i was drizzle and she was a hurricane'

austria

goodbye

even though her last week she hadn't drunk or eaten anything, therefore really thin, she looked beautiful and peaceful, as if she was asleep. if i looked at her from the corner of my eye, it was almost as if she was still breathing. maybe it was the pattern on her blouse, or my teared up eyes, she looked asleep and not dead. i can't say i wanted her to have lived longer because in her last year she wasn't at home and she wasn't happy. i can say that she brought the family together and i will miss her laughter and i want to say that she is (was?) a beautiful, but most of all, incredibly strong woman. i will never forget you, oma. ♥

it was like trying to explain a book written by murakami, when reading, you knew exactly what it was about, but when you tried to explain you had no idea whatsoever.

when i was 14 i met a girl whom i thought was really interesting, 16 years and very artsy. we started talking and had long philosophic conversations and she taught me things about life and inspired me. and one day she told me: 'i know you're gonna get there, you'll be all right'. we haven't spoken for ages now because she went to art academy and i'm still in high school and some people just leave. but just sometimes this crosses my mind, and believe her but i also wonder what she meant exactly because i just don't know what i want to do with my life.

How do you let someone go?

How do you get over the loss of someone that has been there your whole life? You may not have seen that person every week or sometimes month, but they were there and you knew they were and what happens if that all comes to an end? I'm really bad at dealing with these kind of things and now that it's getting closer i don't know what to think or do.